I Just Wish You'd Tell Me What to Do!

Wouldn't it be great if we all had some one to just tell us the right thing to do to solve all of our problems??

Well, maybe... but I suspect that few, if any of us, would actually listen. Often times a client will tell me, "I come here so you'll just tell me what to do!" Sometimes it seems super clear to me what that client ought to do. Perhaps I've seen similar istuations play out often enough that it is pretty obvious to me. However, if it isn't obvious to him/her the act of "just doing" doesn't actually work.

For example, let's say an adult child is struggling with their relationship with an abusive parent. The parent doesn't apologize, still transfers blame to the adult child and likely still behaves in a way that is hurtful and unloving. What should that adult child do? Create some emotional distance, put up some healthy boundaries, maybe take some time to heal and process...

They may not be emotionally ready for any of those things. Jumping the gun on those things will create confusion and hurt. Therapy, the process of creating more selfawareness, healing wounds, exploring needs/wants/desires and building some emotional and relational skills should help them when the time is right for them to do the things they need to do to feel better about the relationship with the hurtful parent.

Similarly, I often have clients share with me that a spouse or parent believes I'm not doing a very good job. I've even had some of these folks email me or post reviews (violating their loved one's right to privacy). The reason is usually that my client isn't doing what the spouse or parent wants them to do. They aren't compliant. Maybe they are even setting boundaries or creating space, which is healthy for the client, but the family member doesn't like it.

What many fail to recognize is that a good and effective therapist almost never tells a client what to do. Let me say that again - a therapist should never tell you what the right decision for you is. They can present options. They should explore those options with you, "What would it be like if..." "How would you feel about?" "Do you think you'd be able to?" "Help me understand what outcome you're hoping for..."

We all deserve and have a right to live our own lives - to walk the journey of our own life, to learn our own lessons, to make our own choices and see if they succeed or fail. Anyone (therapist, friend, spouse of parent) who wants to take that autonomy away from you is asserting their own will and comfort above your own. It's saying, "My feelings about your decisions are more important than your own, therefore you need to just comply for my comfort's sake."

As you embark on the therapeutic journey, remember that many of the people who sent you to therapy are not going to like all of the changes you are making. AND, that's okay. Eventually, the dust will settle. Keep doing your work. Keep making decisions that bring you closer to health, emotional maturaity and emotional stability and let those who claim to love you get to know you in a new way.

Deep Thoughts with Steffi Butler